If you know me at all, then you know what a great need I have to express myself verbally. To feel I have communicated my message clearly, and been heard and understood fully, is critical to my emotional health. Just ask the Hubs. 😉
For awhile now I’ve had this desperation brewing in my spirit. A need to let a message fly, carefully crafted and honed from a potential verbal vomit into a veritable feast for the eyes, mind, and soul. However, each time I sit down to unleash said message, nothing happens. I change locations, writing devices, time of day. And still: nothing.
What is this brewing in this restless spirit of mine? What is blocking the flow of creativity and expression? These are questions for which I do not have an answer. I can’t even express to myself what exactly this ‘message’ bursting to get out is. I can’t place my finger on it. Or my heart. Or my spirit. And it’s agonizing.
I’m walking around spiritually and emotionally bloated. Needing a release and refreshment that eludes me at every turn. My only recourse is to spend time chowing down on some serious fiber-filled Word and allow His Spirit to soften this heart of mine and mold the cacophony of voices and words and emotions and confusions into something beautiful. Useful. Profitable.
In the meantime I fight the urge to merely sit around in my proverbial fat pants, willing the condition of my heart to change by sheer will or intention. To use the excuse of fatigue. Or full schedule. Or annoying grown up responsibility to shirk the work that is the only solution to this spiritual constipation. The work that seems so daunting and difficult from this side of it. The work that in reality is not work. Is so much easier and lighter than this yoke of self-service I lash upon my heart daily. The work that I know once done will leave me refreshed and enlightened.
But that first step is the hardest. My bloated, backed up, fed full of junkfood-for-the-soul spirit is weighed down, loathed to move. If I sit here awhile and wait, I tell myself, it’ll get better. I’ll have a bit more energy to start. But rather than relieving the discomfort, waiting merely adds to the pain. Like that “one last bite” of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving, pushing you over the top into full on agony.
This hamster wheel; this catch-22; this vicious cycle of spiritual binge and purge eats away until I can no longer distinguish my heart from the muck.
So here I am. Laid bare before the One who made me and knows me more intimately than I know myself. Cleanse me, O Lord.
God, create a pure heart in me.
Give me a new spirit that is faithful to you.
Don’t send me away from you.
Don’t take your Holy Spirit away from me.
Give me back the joy that comes from being saved by you.
Give me a spirit that obeys you. That will keep me going. Psalm 51:10-12
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